Catnip Hill
by Red Tale
Summary: Mike gets Klunk the cat from the Mirage series a birthday present that gets way out of hand.


Catnip Hill By: Red Turtle  
  
A/N: This is a more random and funny story than I usually write. It was inspired by some discussion somewhere among some younger fanfic writers concerning their random and crazy manners. This didn't concern me too much until it involved a writing contest, which despite my much milder mannerism I could not resist. In a flash this concept came to me, Klunk would be the perfect vessel for such an endeavor. Almost a week passed before I could write this out, and believe me it was starting to drive me insane.  
  
Cypress Hill was very inspirational for this story. They wrote the song on insanity. In fact, they wrote two, Insane in the Membrane, and Lunatics in the Grass, both of which are heavily quoted. If you have either of these songs, go ahead and lay that shit on your stereo. It will greatly enhance the overall experience of the story.  
  
BTW, while not opposed to swear words, I don't write out the N word (or the B word if it comes up). So some things were hard to quote.  
  
Now enjoy:  
  
PART I:  
  
(Set insane in the brain, I'm tripping, I'm sipping on the wine that's all in the mind)  
  
At 5:53 A.M., Donatello awake abruptly. He lay in his bed for a moment, trying to determine what had disturbed his subconsciousness. He felt the presence of another, not one of his brothers or Sensei. Fearing an attack by the foot he grabbed his bo and flicked the lights on.  
  
Because he was staring at eye-level, where a man-sized enemy would be, he saw nothing amiss.  
  
Then he heard the low, steady rumbling noise. Perhaps that was what woke him up. It was coming from the floor, maybe one of his many mechanical devises had malfunctioned. He looked down.  
  
At first, his mind couldn't comprehend what his eyes told him. There, in the middle of his floor, sat Klunk. Perfectly still, in a typical cat pose. But Klunk never came into Donatello's room. And Klunk never purred, so the rumbling noise couldn't be from him, could it? On top of that, Donatello noticed that most of his floor was covered in some kind of green, flaky substance. Upon closure inspection, it coated all of Klunk's fur as well.  
  
Donatello was very intrigued. Now very alert and awake, he reached out to touch Klunk.  
  
(Who you trying to get crazy with, ese`? Don't you know I'm Loco?)  
  
It was a full second before Donatello realized Klunk was no longer in the room, and he was clutching a handful of cat fur and crushed leaves. He carefully sniffed them.  
  
"Catnip?"  
  
Part II:  
  
(Toss that ham on the frying pan . . . damn, I feel like the Son of Sam)  
  
Mike had woken up before Donatello.  
  
Today was Klunk's estimated birthday, and Mike planned to get up earlier and prepare a special breakfast. Because his room was in such constant disarray, he didn't notice the added abundance of catnip on the floor, flowing from a huge tear in the 10LB bag of extra-intense cosmic variety fresh-grown catnip he had bought yesterday as a birthday present for Klunk. He had, cleverly he thought, hidden the bag in a cubbyhole that served as a closet, and covered it with some clothes.  
  
So, completely unaware of what he had wrought, he set out to the kitchen and laid an assortment of meats and other treats he had gathered over the last couple days. Most likely, Raphael would end up eating more of the meal than Klunk would, so that helped Mike rationalize using all this for intended cat-food.  
  
Most impressive of these was an entire pre-cooked ham Mike had found discarded behind a grocery story. As far as he could tell, the only thing wrong was that it was a day past its expiration, and that was good enough for him. He planned to cut some of it up for Klunk, and the rest would feed his brothers for at least a couple days. He unwrapped it and placed it on their best plate, then turned his back on it for seven seconds while he dug out the good carving knife and meat fork. When he turned back, it was gone.  
  
Mike stared in shock at the empty plate, unable to comprehend what had happed to the ham. He tried blinking, then fully shut his eyes, thinking it would be back when he reopened them. It was not.  
  
And then he became aware of a low, steady rumbling noise. It almost sounds like Klunk, he thought, because contrary to Donatello's belief, Klunk did purr. But, Klunk purred very quietly, and this purr was so loud he could feel the vibration in his feet.  
  
"Klunk? Buddy?" Mike asked out loud, forgetting about the ham for the moment.  
  
He cautiously looked under the table, where the purr emanated from. There he found Klunk, and the ham. Klunk was on top of the ham, with his teeth and claws buried in it, and it was pretty clear he wouldn't be unattached any time soon. Even as Mike extended his hand closure, the purr changed to a growl.  
  
"Klunk! Come on, buddy; I was about to cut you some. You didn't need to take the whole thing", Mike scolded, already imagining how Raphael was going to react to this development.  
  
(Crazy in the head, I'm loco till I'm dead. . .enough said)  
  
Suddenly Klunk released the ham, and lovingly rubbed Mike's legs, still purring like a jet engine.  
  
"Hey, Klunk, what is this all over your-"  
  
As Mike reached down to pet and inspect Klunk, he suddenly took off, so fast that pieces of wrappers from the kitchen table blew off in the ensuing draft. Like Donatello, Mike found himself staring at pieces of fur and something like grass.  
  
"Wow, he must have gotten in some heavy garbage or. . .uh oh."  
  
Mike ran to his bedroom. He found Donatello already inside, rummaging through his cubbyhole until he discovered what remained of the catnip bag.  
  
"Mike, where did you get this from?" Donatello asked calmly.  
  
"Klunk needed a birthday present, so I got this 10LB bag of catnip for only a dollar, dude", Mike protested.  
  
"It was ten pounds?" Donatello asked.  
  
"Yeah. How much is left, anyway?"  
  
For answer, Donatello held the tattered plastic, which had even been licked clean of catnip.  
  
"Oh, god", Mike sighed.  
  
And then Leonardo screamed from another room.  
  
PART III:  
  
(. . .Don't make me run shit, hectic, I be going like general electric, The lights are blinking, I'm thinking. . .)  
  
Leonardo had also gotten up early, for meditation. In his room he lit candles, played soft music, sat cross-legged and slipped in the between- worlds state.  
  
His mind traveled over many things, but gradually the visions began to change from practicing ningitzu on the grassy bank of a clear river to practicing ninjitzu on the railroad tracks. He broke the vision off before the huge, rumbling train came down on him, and screamed.  
  
Back in the real world, panting heavily, Leo came to terms with his surrounding. The rumbling noise still overwhelmed him, and he looked frantically for the source. At last he found it. Klunk, sitting next to one of his candles.  
  
"Klunk, don't do that to me", Leo scolded him.  
  
Then Leo made the same mistake everyone else made. He reached out to touch Klunk, who dashed away. In his wake he had knocked over all the candles, set fire to the CD player and meditation mat, and spilled a whole bottle of Lemongrass oil into Leo's bed. By the time Leo put the fire out, which was principal, his bed was completely soaked, the scent actually overwhelmed him and he fled to the living room.  
  
"Leo? Are you okay?" Mike inquired.  
  
"Where's that damn cat!" he cried, as he collapsed choking on the couch.  
  
"Klunk? We're trying to find him. Seems he got into some catnip."  
  
And then, a really loud, piercing scream rang through the lair.  
  
"Raphael!" they all chorused, running to the dojo.  
  
PART IV:  
  
(Ultra-violet dream from the red light beam Now do you believe in the unseen? Look but don't make the eye strain Cuz a n*gg*r like me is going insane)  
  
Raphael hadn't been awake yet. Klunk woke him up with a very rude pounce to the head, suffocating him with catnip and fur. This is not why he screamed, however. This just made him very angry, and he impulsively ran after Klunk into the dojo room.  
  
The dojo room was completely dark at this time. Raphael realized it was a mistake, but not until he was already inside. Suddenly a claw lashed at his foot. He tried to fight back, but Klunk was silent now, and very quick. Klunk leaped onto the fighting bag, then onto the weapon rack and managed to swing a bo off into Raph's head, knocking him to the ground. Raph was more surprised than hurt, and aggravated enough to take his sais out, not with the intention of actually hurting Klunk but to scare him at least. He got up and was knocked down again by the full force of Klunk's body at his chest. No claws were used in the attack, but when Klunk kicked off of him to run away, his back claws dug into Raph's stomach and that was what caused the scream and the others to come running. They were so intent on the scream that they didn't see Klunk, who managed to effectively trip them all over on his race out. Then, before they could recover, Rapheal stepped on all of them in his race to follow.  
  
PART V:  
  
(Psycho Crazy in the head I go Can't keep my head straight with all the laws I break)  
  
Feeling at his full peak, Klunk literally ran up the living room wall. He landed on the stereo system, not much of one but it had the ability to blast music, especially if one flipped the volume up, which Klunk did in a mad fit of play. Then all that one needed to do to cause utter and complete chaos was simply hit the on button for the radio. Of course Klunk did that, right as the Ninja Turtles came into the room.  
  
Mike and Don followed Klunk into the kitchen; Raph and Leo were right behind them but were unexpectedly grabbed by Master Splinter.  
  
"Turn that off Right Now!" he yelled at them.  
  
"But, Master it wasn't us-"  
  
"I Never Want To Hear the Music This Loud Again!" Splinter yelled (part of the yelling was to be heard over the stereo, and part of frustration, as Splinter's ear's were very sensitive to music.  
  
Leo obediently ran to the stereo and turned it off, although first he hit the station button and accidentally turned it to the polka station.  
  
Splinter retreated to his room, obviously not in the mood to deal with his sons. Leo and Raph ran to the kitchen. Despite the events of the mourning, they were fully expecting Mike and Don to have Klunk more or less contained, where they could figure out what to do with him. Instead they found Donatello sitting at the table covered in eggs and flour. Mike was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"What happened?" Leo and Raph asked as one.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it", Don replied, "They went out that door. I think he's headed towards the bathroom."  
  
Raph and Leo left Don in the kitchen and ran to the bathroom.  
  
Part VI:  
  
(For those who don't understand why we going insane just acting crazy)  
  
Klunk got in the bathroom way ahead of Mike, who knew it was pointless to try to run as fast as him. He approached the bathroom slowly, with caution, but that didn't save him from a face full of toothpaste Klunk squeezed out between his paws.  
  
"Klunk, you got to chill, dude", he said.  
  
"PPPPPPRRRRRRRR!", Klunk exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah, I'm glad you like your birthday present, but that was suppose to last you like, a year", Mike tried to explain.  
  
"PPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRR!", Klunk commented louder.  
  
Mike realized he was going nowhere with this. He steeled his nerves for another attempt to grab Klunk.  
  
(Bro, I got to maintain, because an n*gg*r like me is going insane)  
  
Klunk leaped to the top of the shower rod. He let his tail hang down just enough to tempt Mike into thinking he had a chance. As Mike made his useless try at catching him, Klunk swung down, hanging from the curtain for three seconds until it tore off the rings, enveloping Mike and causing him to fall into the bathtub. For extra measure, Klunk swatted the faucet handle until he had a good stream of freezing cold water raining down on Mike from the shower (and also spilling all over the floor, because there was no curtain now to keep it in). Then he dashed off again, through Leo's legs before he even knew it.  
  
"Oh, there he goes again", Leo sighed helplessly.  
  
PART VII  
  
(Can only maintain so long before all the screws in your head are loose and gone)  
  
Rapheal helped Mike recover from the bathroom. Donatello had sufficiently cleaned himself off and they all met up in the living room.  
  
"So, what are we going to do?" Mike asked, looked automatically to Leo.  
  
"Why are you looking at me? Its your damn cat", Leo snapped.  
  
"Its our cat", Donatello stressed, although he never played with Klunk.  
  
"You're right", Leo agreed, "He's all of our responsibility. We need to find a way to contain him, look at all the damage he's done already. Master Splinter is going to be so-"  
  
Simultaneously, the all realized that Klunk had been running in the direction of Splinter's room, and with Splinter being a rat, and Klunk being crazed. . .  
  
"Splinter!" they all cried, and ran towards their beloved sensei's room.  
  
So concerned were they that they didn't even knock on his door, that just pushed it open and ran in, expecting to see him cowering in a corner as Klunk ran rough-shod over his possessions, or god forbid, Klunk decided to catch Splinter's tail. . .  
  
With all these horrible visions in their mind it took a moment to register what was really happening before them. Splinter was sitting very comfortably in his rocking chair, dozing, with a very content Klunk sprawled on his lap. He was purring, but not the loud maniac purr he had before.  
  
"Splinter?! Klunk?!", Mike exclaimed in surprise.  
  
Splinter opened one sleepy eye at them.  
  
"My sons, if you don't mind, I am in the middle of a cat-nap. Please leave me in the peace and quiet that you found me."  
  
And with a few gently scratchs to Klunk's ear, Splinter was fast asleep again.  
  
THE END 


End file.
